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Grand Finale
Finale #1 - 3/22/07
Well, March Madness is in full
swing here as we enter the Fantasy Cappies ® Final Four. First up is show #1, and looking at the writers
going here the choice is simple: George "Don't Cheat on Your History Test" Aumoithe. Now many of you I'm sure may be
questioning this choice, but let me tell you something about "Honest" George Aumoithe. He can best be described in one
word, and no, it doesn't rhyme with "chromosexual". It's offended. I think we all saw the Randy Marsh "Niggers"
incident on Wheel of Fortune just a few short weeks ago. Add that to the fact that this week those mentally inferior
inbred rednecks in Georgia recently voted to designate April as Confederate Heritage Month. Not only did they decide
to embrace years of the enslavement of the negroid, but now Honest Aumoithe has to deal with the shame of having his name
so closely resemble the state where this happened. And on top of all this, he's had to deal all year with Nadia "I'm
more African than the descendants of former slaves at my school" Ouhib. Clearly he's got a reason to be upset, it doesn't
take a white man to figure that one out. I look for George to come out guns blazing here and to take home the golden
goose as he "enslaves" the competition in a blind rage of racial fury. By Any Means Necessary.
Finale #2 - 3/23/07
Here we go, game #2 of this Final Fourgasm and let me just say this: Holy Moley Bingo Bango Bongo. We've got us quite
a field of candidates to select from. But let me break it down for you real simple with two words: Younger Sileo.
Not only is Caroline better than her older and more disappointing sister Caitlin (whose bowling abilties you may remember
from a previous column), but she is poised to make a run here at MVC with a crucial win a few competitions ago. If there's
one thing I've learned here on Fantasy Cappies® it's to back a winning horse,
and Caroline is a winning horse if ever I've seen one. The key to her success, of course, has been her much-coveted
Rubik's Cube. Caroline, as you may know, holds the Florida State all-time record for 2x2x2 one-handed speed
cubing by right-handed female competitors born on a full moon's night east of the Mississippi. Obviously
then, the younger Sileo has some scarily strong hand muscles, and as a righty this bodes very well for her writing.
But I must admit, something that has come to my attention troubles me greatly. That, of course, is Caroline's
attendance at one Stoneman Douglas High School. As everyone knows, kids at Stoneman Douglas are, well, genetically
inferior to the rest of the human population and are so primitive and backwards they border on apehood and serve as a
classical example of neodarwinistic evolution. However, there have been cases of Douglas kids transferring to Deerfield
Beach High School and becoming quite successful (one Tyler Pyle serves as a notable example). So there remains
hope for her yet, and betting men should put their money on the younger Sileo in this one.
Came From Douglas
Rubik's Cube
Cappies Show #13 - American Heritage Center for the "Aarts"
Well It's been a long absence but I'm glad to be back here on Fantasy Cappies®
posting my picks once again and I know you're all glad to have me back. So with that out of the way let's get
to the pick, shall we? This week presents us with a number of interesting factors to take into account when making a
pick. The biggest one of course being that this is lucky show #13. Fact: I was born on the 13th. This of
course bodes well for my selection this week. We've also got to consider the extremely small pool of contenders, namely
Caitlin "Gutterball" Sileo. So of course we've got to focus on her this week. Luckily, Caitlin's going to be writing
injury-free for the most part as her hamstring has mostly recovered since she strained it trying to recover a fumbled
pen. Now I don't like to point to outside factors when it comes to Fantasy Cappies because it's usually like comparing
apples and oranges, but in this case I've got to make an exception. I had a chance to go bowling with Caitlin about
2 weeks before the upcoming competition and let me just say I have never seen anyone do what Caitlin can with a bowling ball.
In fact, by the time Caitlin was done destroying the lanes she had invented new bowling terms:
Caitlin - Achieving 1 gutter ball in a frame. (i.e. "Oh no,
I Caitlined the frame.")
Double Caitlin - Achieving
2 gutterballs in the same frame. (i.e. "Shit, I pulled a Double Caitlin.")
Cait
Streak - Any streak of 3 or more consecutive gutterballs. (i.e. "I'm in trouble now, I've got a Cait Streak of
6 going.")
Grand Caitlin - Bowling an entire
game with at least 1 gutterball in each frame. (i.e. "Damn I suck, I just bowled a Grand Caitlin.")
Perfect Caitlin - Bowling an entire game without hitting a single
pin. (i.e. "After bowling a Perfect Caitlin Steve hung himself with his own underwear because he couldn't live with
the shame.")
Now I don't mean to go off on a tangent here but after Caitlin's performance at the alley you've
got to wonder where her head is at this point. This can only serve as a distraction to her and until the bowling improves
I've got to wonder if the Captain can ever return to form. In addition, she'll be competing at American Heritage, which
has not been kind to her in the past as she's been averaging a sub-par 13.7 words per minute as well as a league-low 3.9 letters
per word down at American Heritage Arena. I have to go with NOTSW on this one, even with the new scoring rules.
But don't count out an upset here. As they say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
Cappies Show #6 - Cardinal Gibbons
Well it's week 6 and we're starting to figure out who the contenders are this year as they're beginning
to pull away from the pack. And one of those contenders this year is George "Only Black Guy in IB Senior Class" Aumoithe.
Let me tell you something, this kid is something special. Blessed with a superior writing ability, he don't take shit
from nobody. I had a chance to catch up with him before the big game and he told me "Cappies is serious business, and
in Cappies, when you cross the line your nuts are mine." I tell you, I wouldn't want to meet this kid in a dark alley
(mostly because I couldn't see him). It's Aumoithe all the way here in week 6.
Cappies Show #5 - Boynton High School
Mohammad "Magic" Islam and Martina "Limp Dick" Hearte will be the only competitors at this one, way up north in
Boynton, where the cold weather is sure to be a factor. With Limp Dick coming from a tropical climate and Magic hailing
from the desert, things are not looking up for either of these two, who will almost certainly struggle in the frigid temperatures
up in Boynoton. In addition to the already lipm dick, Martina's going to have to deal with some shrinkage from
the cold climate, which always causes problems. Magic and LD are a combined 2-6 on the year, and like I always
say, just because a bobcat eats chili don't mean he's gonna crap diamonds. This one's easy, NOTSW by far.
Cappies Show #4 - Stoneman Douglas
This week is a tough one. There's a lot of great competitors out there, and with no real standout so far this season,
it's really up in the air as to who's going to come up big. So far George, Dana, and Caroline have put up a big goose
egg in the wins department, and only one member, Anna, has a winning record. But all that changes in week 4. Becca
"Big Tits" Wallace has won 7 of her last 8 after coming off of the bye week, and at 2-2 she's poised to leap ahead of
Anna and move into first place if she can come up with the big W. Not only that, but she's got a serious home field
advatage playing at Stoneman Douglas, where she has never lost. Look for the crowd to be a factor here as Big Tits
improves to 3-2 on the year.
Nieuwkirk Comes Up Short...Again
Even a stolen airhorn couldn't help Dana on Thursday night as she and her airhorn were dominated by a superior
field of writers. Despite being overmatched, many colunists, including myself, expected Dana to put up more of a fight,
especially with her recently and illegally acquired airhorn. Teammate Mohammad "Magic" Islam had this to say: "I don't
know what happened out there. One thing after another went wrong for Dana, and she just couldn't do anything right.
It was painful to watch." This was just another in a long string of losses for Dana, and starting off the season 0-1
has only led credence to those critics calling for Dana's removal from the team. "She's the weak link, and a team's
only as strong as it's weakest link. And I can tell you right now, this is a very weak team. It's just
embarrassing to keep her out there only to have her fail time and time again." complained one angry fan after witnessing Thursday's
abysmal performance. I managed to catch up with Dana in the locker room after her loss.
Ben: Dana, obviously
this isn't the way you want to start the season. What happened out there?
Dana: Well, you know, Mohammad and
Anna didn't get published all last year, so I don't really have to worry about getting published my first year.
Ben:
Perhaps, but the team could certainly use your help, no?
Dana: Well there's no "I" in the word Team. And besides,
I have a shiny new airhorn, so why should I care? What has the team ever done for me?
Ben: Well Dana,
that's not what the team's about...
Dana: No. Let me tell you something, ok. I'm the best person
on the team. I'm better than everyone else. I don't need them, they need me. Now excuse me, I have to go
be an airhorn-stealing bitch to someone else.
And there you have it. Dana's a very pretty girl, but not
a whole lot going on upstairs. Until she learns to be a better team player, gets over herself, and can focus on something
other than bright orange airhorns, I say stay away from this one.
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